Pride: The Progression and Pitfalls

Today I had a appointment with a new doctor at an old familiar place. She was wonderful and for purpose of this entry we'll refer to her as Dr. S.
In a matter of minutes Dr. S had me talking and I was excited about being a new patient. During the Q&A segment of the visit, my card was pulled. Half the questions she asked I could not answer with assurance. Everything was a half ass answer.
Dr. S.: what type is this?
Me: Ugh...
Dr. S: How have you been getting what you need?
Me: Um, well...
After about 10 minutes of her patiently and humorously advising me of my homework for my next visit, she suggested I broaden my perspective on my disability, network and share my story.
I thought, "my story"? Dr S must have seen the confusing look on my face and then said, "your pride was the best and worse thing that happened to you, you've missed out on a lot of opportunities trying to get back to 'normal'".
Truth be told, hind sight is 20/20 and if I could do it again, I think my life would have been a little different, (even with all the lows I had).
I've been really lucky to have had a mom who supported and respected me, tell me numerous times I was intelligent and beautiful everyday, and I believed her. I knew some kids with fucked up parents, so her admiration wasn't ever taken for granted. I don't think I would give off the same 'energy' if I wasn't blessed to have her as a mom. The fact remains though, I cared what my friends thought. I wanted their approval. It would drive my mom nuts! She didn't raise my brother and I to be followers. I'm so happy to say now everything she said and taught me was true however at that time, I still longed for my friends approval.
When I was 13, in the hospital and after several treatments to save my right leg, the doctors suggested that it be amputated. I remember crying for two reasons, 1) I was a dancer: yeah I was a big kid who was light on her feet, but the reason I balled was because I loved my feet! My mom loved my feet, my dance instructors loved my feet too! I was devastated. Once the superficiality of the situation subsided, there was no issue with understanding what I was facing. It had to be done. This car accident was no fucking joke. It already took the life of my maternal grandma whom I loved so very dearly, therefore I was aware of what I was dealing with. 2)With my friends being back home, I didn't know if they were gonna shun me, act flaky or just banish me from 'the clique'. I didn't even tell them about my amputation until I got back home. I was on my annual Summer vacation along with my brother and cousin but the Summer of 1992 changed everything. I was suppose to start high school that year- that was delayed for an entire year(I had to relearn how to walk), which led to another insecurity; How would I explain I wasn't "left back" without telling "my business"? I laugh at the thought now but in my 13 year old mind, this was some serious shit!
Fortunately all of my worse fears were just pride and insecurity rearing its ugly head. My friends then are still my friends now! They're awesome! I have so many good people in my life-friends and family and I'm so grateful for them all!
My biggest regret was trying to be 'normal' which is how I wanted to be perceived. I didn't give my old friends or new friends the benefit of the doubt and for that I suffered socially. Being a social butterfly is very difficult if you're not willing to share a significant part of who you are. I'm proud of myself for finally getting it. FINALLY!
I am able to do more than 13 year old me could ever imagine but, the 30 something year old me wishes I could go back and shake the shit out of 13 year old me. Most teenagers don't know what the fuck is up. I know I was clueless. I wish I used the resources available to me when I was a kid instead of being trying to get my old life back. I should have been trying to be extraordinary because there is nothing ordinary about me (or you). Everybody got their thing that makes them special in this world and if its positive, you need to spread love and positivity.
So I left Dr. S office feeling great and inspired. So much so, I've decided to make this my first blog ever! Its my attempt to give you insight on what makes me tick. I hope you've enjoyed it. More to come cause lawd knows I got a opinion about everything...Peace